


Do You Want to Kill Me?

by thelastofmeforever



Series: Freedom verses Prejudice [1]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Season/Series 05, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, BAMF Merlin, Crying, Discussion of Death, Families of Choice, Fluff and Angst, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Magic Revealed, Men Crying, Mentions of Morgana, Multi, My First Fanfic, Not Beta Read, Powerful Merlin, Queen Guinevere, Scared Merlin, Vulnerable Merlin, and it's a Merlin magic reveal, angry arthur, bandits, can be read as Merthur, discussion of execution, emrys - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-20
Updated: 2018-09-20
Packaged: 2019-07-14 15:42:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16043498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thelastofmeforever/pseuds/thelastofmeforever
Summary: When Merlin and his friends are attacked while on a picnic, Merlin has no choice but to reveal his magic. He can survive the attackers, but can he survive his friends?“If you truly want to kill me, Arthur, I will not resist. I will submit to your will and leave myself at your mercy. Because I can live with you hating me, Arthur. It would be the worst kind of torture, but I could do it. But I cannot live in a world where I can’t protect you. Where you won’t let me protect you. So yes, King Arthur, if you want to execute me, you can... “But Arthur, do you want to kill me?”





	Do You Want to Kill Me?

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first published fan fic. Please be nice. Trigger warning for anxiety attacks, discussion of death/execution. Not Beta read

It had started out as a simple day. The Queen had wanted to go on a picnic and who was Arthur to deny his lovely wife anything she wanted? So he’d had Merlin pack a picnic basket while he rounded up the knights.

Gwaine, predictably, jumped at the excuse to skive off of training, especially once he’d learned that there would indeed be wine. Leon was quite frankly revealed to have a break from his duties as head knight. Elyan, of course, would never turn down an invitation to accompany his sister anywhere. And Percival offered to come along to keep the other knights out of trouble. An offer Arthur happily accepted. He couldn’t help but feel grateful towards the giant man.

Guinevere was already in her riding clothes and on her horse when Arthur and his knights arrived at the stables. As always, Arthur couldn’t help but notice how nicely her riding trousers hugged her legs. He tried not to stare to obviously as the knights saddled their horses and instead went over to Merlin, who handed him the reins for his horse.

“The Queen appears to be in excellent health today, doesn’t she, Sire?” Merlin asked slyly as he checked his saddleties.

Arthur scowled at him. “What would you know of the Queen’s appearance, Merlin?”

Merlin shrugged, his face suspiciously innocent. “Just my opinion as a physician, Sire.”

“That better be all it is.”

Merlin grinned cheekily at him and swung himself onto his horse. “Hurry up now, Arthur. Wouldn’t want to keep Gwen waiting.”

He urged his mare into a trot towards the gate where the rest of their party was already on their way. Arthur grumbled with fond annoyance as he mounted his own steed and rode to catch up.

They had found a nice clearing filled with blooming wildflowers to spread their blanket. Arthur immediately stooped and plucked a delicate purple flower, which he offered to his wife with an exaggerant flourish. “For you, my Lady.”

Gwen giggled as she accepted the gift. “Why thank you, my Lord.”

Around them, the others pretended to be sick. That didn’t stop all of the knight from picking increasing large bouquets for Gwen, trying to outdo each other. Merlin laughed as he helped her braid them into her hair.

They were all lounging in the sun with full stomachs, sipping on wine, Gwen with her head on Arthur’s shoulder, watching as Gwaine and Elyan grappled over a wineskin.

The mock fight ended when Percival plucked it from their hands and drained it in three gulps. Merlin fell onto his back laughing and Gwaine began to lament the loss of his prize. They were all talking cheerfully when Merlin suddenly sat bolt upright.

“Something’s out there.”

Everyone shifted their gaze to the surrounding trees, searching for a threat. Arthur was just about to tell Merlin to stop being paranoid when a call of “Fire!” echoed across the clearing.

And then suddenly the sky was alight with flaming arrows and there was nowhere to run and nowhere to hide and all Arthur could do was throw himself over Guinevere and pray that she, at least, would somehow make it out of this alive.

“ _Culter ic þe healte!_ ”

Arthur waited but nothing happened. Hesitantly, hardly daring to believe it, he lifted his head and looked around. Every single arrow hung suspended in the air, as though frozen in time, except they were still burning. Arthur glanced around and saw the other knights lifting their heads to look as well. He looked down at Guinevere. She was gazing at the flaming arrows in awe. Finally, Arthur looked at Merlin and what he saw made his heart stop.

Merlin’s eyes were no longer blue but gold and glowing. He had two hands held over his head, fingers splayed, and Arthur realized that it had been Merlin’s voice he had heard as he was waiting to be impaled by burning arrows. Merlin’s voice that had called out the spell. Merlin, that had magic. This had to be a dream. Or, rather, a nightmare. Or maybe even some magically induced mass hallucination. Because there was absolutely no way that _Merlin_ of all people had magic. But no, there he was, with his eyes molten gold, using both hands to hold back an onslaught of flaming arrows.

All Arthur could do was stare in horror as Merlin slowly rose, his arms never lowering, the arrows never wavering. He stood there, holding their death back with magic, until the last arrow had burned to ash. He let the ash fall to the ground, covering the bright flowers in black. He moved his hands so that they were stretched out left and right. Then, so quickly it was almost impossible to see, he clenched his hands into fists and pulled them in, as if yanking something, and suddenly dozens of men were flying through the trees and into the clearing. They all crashed to the ground, making little clouds of ash that floated for a moment and settling on top of them. Groaning, the ones that were still conscious, the ones that were still _alive_ , clambered unsteadily to their feet. Some of the least harmed tried to turn and run, but Merlin simply yanked them again, slamming them back on the ground. Finally, everyone was still. The conscious bandits stared at Merlin in pure terror. It should have been funny, seeing a small army of bandits trembling in fear before one scrawny little servant, but it wasn’t.

“Who sent you?” Merlin’s voice was cold, colder than anything Arthur could imagine, and it echoed across the clearing, the words almost tangible.

Silence, and then one very brave, very foolish bandit took half a step forward. Merlin’s flexed his hand at the movement and the man flinched violently.

“My… my name is- is Hol- Hol-- Holger an- and I I I…”

“I don’t give a damn who you are.” Merlin spat and he seemed alight with fury. “You are _nothing_ to me. Who. Sent. You?”

The bandit, Holger, was practically trembling on the ground now, and it wouldn’t surprise Arthur if the man had wet himself.

“Mor- Mor- Mor- Morg- Morgana…”

A shockwave rocked the field, forcing the remaining bandits to their knees.

“Of course.” Merlin said softly, sounding bitter and almost… regretful. But his angry tone quickly returned. “Well you go tell Morgana, and anyone else you come across, that from now on, anyone who attacks Camelot or her King, forfeits their lives to Emrys.”

The name _Emrys_ practically pulsed with power.

“And make sure you tell Morgana that I’m sorry it had to come to this. And that I’ll be waiting.”

Merlin dropped his hands to his sides but kept his shoulders stiff and his back straight as he watched the surviving bandits flee from him. When the last bandit finally disappeared into the woods, Merlin suddenly sagged and every limb started to tremble. He remained where he was for a few moments, gazing out into the field of ash and bodies, and Arthur used the opportunity to stand up and draw his sword.

The sound of Excalibur being drawn was enough to get the sorcerer’s attention and he turned slowly to face the King. His expression was one of absolute agony and tears began to fall from his eyes.

“Arthur, I’m so sorry.”

Red flooded Arthur’s vision and a mixture of rage and fear, the likes of which he hadn’t felt since his father’s murder, filled him. He placed the tip of his blade at the sorcerer’s throat.

“ _Who are you?_ ”

If possible, the sorcerer’s face seemed to fall even more.

“Arthur, it’s me. I’m sorry but it’s me.”

“Who are you?”

A sob. “It’s me, Merlin.”

Arthur shook his head half in denial and half in an attempt to get the cursed tears to stop blurring his vision. “No. No, Merlin would never do this. Merlin is loyal to Camelot. To _me_!”

Another sob. “Of course I am Arthur. Of course I am, I’ve always been loyal to you and I always will be- “

“You betrayed me! You’re a sorcerer!”

The sobs were coming more frequently now.

“Y- yes. Yes, I- I am a- a sor- sorcerer, but- but I would never, never be- betray you Ar- Arthur. I did this to pro- pro- protect you!”

“Protect me?” Arthur roared back. “You lied to me! For years!”

Merlin seemed to lose all ability to stand and he fell to his knees, almost retching with sobs now.

“‘Msorry’msorry’msorry” was all he seemed capable of saying.

Arthur was trembling now too. But he kept his blade pointed at the sorcerer. God, seeing Merlin is such a pathetic state made him want to be sick.

“Is that all you can say? ‘I’m sorry?’ Ten years! You lied to my face for ten years and all you can say is ‘sorry’?!”

“‘Msorry’msorry’msorry’msorry…”

He wanted to scream in anger and hurt.

“Arthur.”

Arthur looked over his shoulder. Gwen stood with tears falling down her cheeks and one hand stretched out towards him. Behind her, the knights stood in varying stages of tearful shock.

“Arthur please. Just… stop for a moment. Think about what you’re doing.”

“He’s a _sorcerer_ , Gwen,” Arthur spat, throwing a look of pure venom at the man who was now rocking slightly as he repeated his matra.

Gwen sobbed once. “I… I know. But he’s still Merlin. Shouldn’t you at least give him a chance to explain?”

“He’s a traitor! He’s evil!”

“But he _saved_ us! Why… why would he do that if he wanted to destroy Camelot?”

“And if there’s one thing I know about Merlin, it’s that he ain’t evil.” Gwaine’s voice was thick with emotion and he was hastily wiping away tears.

“He’s… he’s helped us… all of us, so many times… maybe we should hear him out.” Elyan added.

“We owe him that much.” Percival.

Arthur looked at Leon. They locked eyes for a moment before Leon said, “We should let him explain. If… if the explanation doesn’t suffice… then we’ll kill him.”

Arthur looked closely at each of them for a moment longer before he nodded and dropped his sword.

“Tie him up.”

Merlin didn’t resist as his a hands were forced behind his back and bound together with his own belt. In fact, he didn’t even stop apologizing, just kept saying “I’m sorry” in the same agonized tone.

Arthur could see on Gwen’s face that she wanted to reach out and comfort her friend, saw her hands twitch with the desire to hold him, but she resisted.

They cleared the picnic blanket and set Merlin down in the middle of it, then they took a place around the edges of the blanket, one knight at each corner and Arthur directly in front of the sorcerer with Gwen partially shielded behind him.

It seemed to take ages for Merlin to calm down enough for Arthur to ask questions.

“So, you’re a sorcerer.”

Merlin swallowed and then answered, “yes,” even though it wasn’t really a question.

“How long have you been practicing magic?”

“Um...” Merlin cast his eyes around, looking regretfully at each of his former friends. “I… It’s… complicated.”

Arthur growled in frustration. “It’s a simple question! How long have you been a sorcerer?”

Merlin swallowed once again and then looked down, seemingly trying to gather his thoughts. Arthur had nearly lost his patience and picked up his sword again when Merlin spoke.

“I’ve… had magic all my life, but I didn’t start actually ‘practicing’ it until I came to Camelot.”

Arthur gaped at him. “What the hell does that even mean?!”

Fear and desperation and _grief_ flowed off of Merlin as a dam of emotion inside of him finally burst. “It means I was born like this! It means I was moving objects and manipulating elements before I could even talk! It means that this was not my choice! I came to Camelot to learn how to control my magic because I didn’t want to hurt anyone! I didn’t want to be a _monster_!”

Silence again reigned until Arthur forced out, “That’s impossible. Nobody is born with magic.”

“ _I was_.” Was Merlin’s answer.

They all stared at him. After several minutes he sighed and dropped his head to his chest.

“There’s a prophecy. I didn’t know about it until I came to Camelot and to be honest I still don’t know a lot about it. All I know is that, apparently, I’m Emrys, the greatest sorcerer to ever walk the earth and I am destined to protect and serve the Once and Future King who will unite Albion and bring about a golden age.” Merlin suddenly looked up and met Arthur’s eyes. “You are the Once and Future King, Arthur. You are destined for greatness and it is my destiny to protect you. That’s all I’ve ever tried to do.”

Arthur was completely speechless. He literally had no idea what to say. He was destined to unite all of Albion? Was such a thing even possible? And Merlin, bumbling, clumsy, stupid, goofy, Merlin was supposed to be the greatest sorcerer of all time? And “Emrys,” Arthur had heard that name before. Morgana feared that name. Morgana feared Merlin?

“Wait,” Elyan’s voice interrupted Arthur’s internal come apart. “If you’re the greatest sorcerer ever, why are you still here?”

Merlin cocked his head in confusion and it was just so organically him that Arthur wanted to scream. “What do you mean?”

“I mean,” Elyan said, speaking slowly as if addressing a simpleton,

(Because he is. That old “let’s tease Merlin” reflex suddenly flared to life and Arthur had to force it away. Things were different now. Merlin was different.)

“Why are you still sitting here with your hands tied behind your back waiting to see if we’ll kill you? Why haven’t you escaped? I’m assuming you could do that.”

Merlin smiled sadly. “I suppose I could. Easily. I could be out of here before any of you could blink an eye. But, I can’t.”

“What do you mean you can’t? You just said you could!” Gwaine exclaimed.

“I mean,” now Merlin adopted the “let-me-explain-this-to-you-slowly-using-small-words-so-that-you-can-understand-me,” “I’m can’t leave Arthur. He’s my destiny.”

Merlin looked at Arthur once more. “You are everything to me and I will never leave your side. I’ll die first.”

Arthur felt cold all of a sudden. “So, if I were to execute you, you wouldn’t run? You wouldn’t fight?”

Merlin gulped but raised his chin resolutely. “If you truly want to kill me, Arthur, I will not resist. I will submit to your will and leave myself at your mercy. Because I can live with you hating me, Arthur. It would be the worst kind of torture, but I could do it. But I cannot live in a world where I can’t protect you. Where you won’t _let me_ protect you. So yes, King Arthur, if you want to execute me, you can. But please,” and here his eyes filled with tears again, “If you ever loved me, even a little, _please_ , just don’t let me burn.”

Merlin’s single solitary request: to be spared a slow death by fire, broke Arthur’s heart.

“But Arthur, do you _want_ to kill me?”

Arthur’s started. Did he want to kill Merlin? Merlin, who woke him up with disgustingly cheerful sayings. Merlin, who was forever late with his dinner but who always brought him all of his favorites to make up for it. Merlin, who was so compassionate that hunting upset him. Merlin, who whistled when he dusted but hummed when he scrubbed the floors. Merlin, who had saved his life, Gwen’s life, his father’s life, and so many others time and time again. Merlin, who had shaped Arthur into the man he was today. A good man. Did he want to kill Merlin?

“No. I don’t want to kill you.”

And then Arthur was on his knees too, quickly freeing Merlin’s hands and pulling him into a hug.

“I’m so sorry, Merlin.”

Merlin sighed and tucked his face into Arthur’s neck.

“Me too.”

They stayed wrapped in a tight embrace.

“Aww, group hug!” Gwaine pounced as he spoke and grabbed both King and Servant into a crushing hug. Arthur huffed in mock annoyance as everyone else joined in.

Merlin was giggling now, and it was such a contrast from the gut-wrenching sobs from earlier that Arthur couldn’t help but join in. Soon, all seven of them were giggling like mad and squeezing the breath out of eachother. When they finally separated, Arthur was surprised to see that Merlin was crying again. He looked at him in concern.  
Merlin laughed again. “Sorry, happy tears.”

“Mate, I never want to hear you say sorry again for as long as I live,” Gwaine said fervently and the rest of them nodded in agreement.

Merlin flushed and looked down. “Sorry- er, I mean… I didn’t mean to fall apart like that earlier. I... regret that you had to see that.”

Gwen reached out and cupped Merlin’s face in her hands.

“You don’t need to apologize for that Merlin. You’ve kept this secret, you’ve had to keep this secret for so long, just to stay alive… I can’t even imagine. You must have been so scared.”

Merlin nodded shyly and Arthur’s heart clenched again. His best friend had been scared of him. Scared, not that Arthur would kill him (well he supposed that too) but more so that he would hate him. He had lived with that terrible fear for over a decade. He had lived with the fear of dying by fire (just for being born) for his entire life. Arthur couldn’t fathom how Merlin could still smile so much.

“Merlin,” Arthur said, his tone very serious. Merlin met his eyes and Arthur’s heart broke again at the wariness that lurked there.

“I swear to you, on my throne, on my _kingdom_ , you will never have to live in fear again.”

Merlin’s brow furrowed for a moment before his eyes went impossibly wide. “You mean…”

“I’m going to repeal the ban on magic.”

Tears again. Great, gasping sobs as Merlin fell once more into Arthur’s arms. “Thank you thank you thankyou thankyouthankyou…”  
Arthur allowed himself a few moments to hold Merlin, his brother, tightly before he gently pushed him back far enough to look him in the eyes.

“Come on, you idiot, breathe.”

Merlin took in a gasp of air, still grinning like a maniac. He took several more breaths and Arthur waited until his friend’s breathing evened out before speaking again.

“You know, if I’m going to make magic legal again, I’m probably going to need some sort of magical advisor. And I was thinking, who better than the ‘greatest sorcerer to ever walk the earth’?”

Merlin stared at him in shock before he broke out in a grin again. “Do I have to wear that ridiculous hat again?”

Arthur laughed. “Oh no. I was thinking of having a very special one made just for you.”

The others laughed as Merlin groaned playfully and let his head fall back onto Arthur’s shoulder.

“Thank you.” Merlin whispered against his skin.

Arthur tightened his hug. “No Merlin, _thank you_.”

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm actually pretty pleased with how this turned out. Sorry if you think any of the characters are ooc, I did my best. No flames please but constructive criticism is always welcome as are complements. Please leave kudos and let me know if you liked it. I might write a sequel to this. I might not. We'll see. Thank you all so much!


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